sábado, 31 de enero de 2009

Tip #33... From "The Freelance Graphic Designer's Survival Guide"

If you cut a Quesadilla into 3 different triangles, put them on a plate, and open a can of salsa...you can trick your brain into thinking you had more than 1 quesadilla...

jueves, 29 de enero de 2009

Remember those damn "Mentos" commercials ?

*insertar rola de "Big Me" de los Foo Fighters para entenderle mejor al post, los que son de mi camada (edad) van a entender porque...

...roberto gutiERREZ says:
... me acabo de sentir como en un comercial de mentos...

lerms //
what the shit?

...roberto gutiERREZ says:
se estacionaron dos carros pegados de los lados al mio, y no se podian abrir las puertas...

lerms //

lerms //
y que hiciste ?

...roberto gutiERREZ says:
hize cara de "what the hell?!" al wey que estaba esperando que saliera, ...y me meti por la cajuela...

lerms //
y luego le flasheaste un mentos

lerms //
y luego the finger

...roberto gutiERREZ says:
por mi panther like agility... must have been funny

*nomas que aqui los albañiles se hubieran cagada de la risa en mi cara

lunes, 26 de enero de 2009

My top 10 broads...

Jumpin' on the bandwagon pretty late in the game... (see Lerms and Ben's list), and looking for an excuse to stall working, here's a list of my top 10 broads...
(I recommend listening to "Like a friend" by Pulp while readin' to get the right mood..)

1. Sophia Loren... that's a woman right there, not a girl...that was one classy lady (she makes me feel like throwing out my comic book collection, growin' a mustache and gettin' a real job)

2. Rachel Welsh.. Vintage, I think she's about .001 less hot than Sophia.

3. Kate Beckinsdale... besides being naturally hot, she knows how to take care of a nerd, if you've ever seen her at comic con you know what i'm talking about. (and i would't have to throw out my comic book collection).

4. Jennifer Connolly... Classy, so classy (AND she was in a movie with Muppets AND David Bowie, how cool is that ?!)

5. Tina Fey... nerd's dream come true, let's watch SNL together...

6. Angie Everheart...evil redhead, the kind of chick who'll walk all over you, and you'll like it...(yup, this one was just the visual eye candy factor)

7. Laura Prepon... redhead #2 on the list...she must like beer...(true, maybe its just the "Donna" thing from "That 70's show" but i don't care...she can drink with me anytime.
8. Kate Walsh...sophisticated...she can cure you with her sexyness...rawrrr

9. Carla Gugino... Another classy dame, pretty AND she's also in Watchmen

10. Bruce Willis...how the hell ?! who wha ?! (Call me, its not a gay thing, its a heteroadmiration thing).

Obvious Snubs: Megan Fox she don't exist, she was digitally created to appear in movies, either that or she's the devil, i dont want anymore problems... and Scarlett Johanson, i loved you back in Lost in translation, but lost me afterwards.

IMPORTANT: If you feel you or someone you know has been unfairly excluded from this list, please send me a 8x10" color print and a short explanation what makes you deserve and what are you willing to do to have the privilege of being on my list. (money, chocolates and booze won't hurt your chances either).

domingo, 25 de enero de 2009

No guts, no glory...

True story...

When i was 'bout 3 years old, my grandparents had this dog, "Pookie", a poodle toy, miniature hair ball, male... the poor guy was bout 11 years old, half blind, no sense of smell, and lived all his life with the shame of being a guy but looking like a sissified version of a stuffed animal.

Anyways, so one afternoon me and my sister (i was bout 3, she was bout 5), where playin' in the front yard of grandmas, a gate was left open, and the neighbors dog a fuckin doberman(that looks the size of a horse when your 3) , got loose and went in the yard goes al psyco killer dog on us, so in a split second...pookie comes runnin' outta the house and like a fuckin' rottweiler goes after the doberman, even if size was different smart old pookie went after the legs, and gots the doberman out of the yard, regretably died a quick death when the fucker got him in the neck.

So, the next beer i have is dedicadet to "Pookie", a guy who lived like a poodle but decided to go out like a man in a blaze of glory.

Sometimes i like to think he got reborn as a tiger...


sábado, 17 de enero de 2009

... Dios bendiga la sabiduría de los abuelos...

Mi abuelo preguntándole a mi sra. mamá por mi...le dijo una frase, que creo que va a ser mi epitafio...

"Aqui descanza Roberto Gutiérrez, por huevón no era desmadroso y por codo no era cabrón."

*God bless you grandpa

miércoles, 14 de enero de 2009

Men at work

(We're not gay, we're "creative")

lerms - hello nerd-migos! says: (6:57:33 PM)
hoy hice real man work

lerms - hello nerd-migos! says: (6:57:45 PM)

...roberto gutiERREZ says: (7:07:40 PM)
real man mork...con shorts de levis recortados y tanktops?

lerms - hello nerd-migos! says: (7:08:02 PM)
that's so close to the truth it's scary

...roberto gutiERREZ says: (7:08:21 PM)
...y tenian de fondo Frankie goes to hollywood o wham ?

lerms - hello nerd-migos! says: (7:09:12 PM)
poquito mas sofisticado, depeche mode

...roberto gutiERREZ says: (7:09:33 PM)
...i just cant get enough, i just cant get enough ...

lerms - hello nerd-migos! says: (7:09:45 PM)

...roberto gutiERREZ says: (7:09:51 PM)

...roberto gutiERREZ says: (7:09:56 PM)
me dieron ganas de oirla

* Este post es en memoria a Freddy Mercury (1946-1991) quien NO era homosexual, sino que era tan exageradamente masculino que ninguna mujer lo satisfacia... R.I.P.

lunes, 12 de enero de 2009

I could't make this stuff up...


Línea amarilla de transportes públicos de primera clase, #43 ruta Col. Azteca.
Tengo que admitir, traté de pedir la bajada con la voz lo mas fuerte posible.

domingo, 11 de enero de 2009

2009 resolutions...

1. Get that dammed leprechaun and his lucky charms.
2. Let the dogs out.
3. Believe it's not butter.
4. Finish master plan to destroy world... blackmail world leaders.
5. Divide by 0
6. Get that wascally wabbit...
7. Bring back the mullet.
8. Consolidate my debts into one low monthly payment.
9. Fly me to moon, dance among the stars...
10. Get a new plant for my house, the one i have pees itself...

a plant that pees itself

lunes, 5 de enero de 2009

First 2009 top 5...

Idea taken from the book "High fidelity",
2009 officially starts today... on monday... so, in no particular order, my top 5 songs to start a new year and set the moode for mine...

"All in the suit that you wear" - Stone Temple Pilots
All in the suit that you wear
When you're looking for something
It's in the suit that you wear
when you're hiding from someone
All in the suit that you wear
When you wear it

-While puttin' on nice shoes and a dress shirt, my "business man" disguise.

"Time" - Pink Floyd
Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought Id something more to say

-Life's short, don't waste it

"Don't think twice" - Bob Dylan
I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell

But goodbye's too good a word, gal
So I'll just say fare thee well

I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind

You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all
- For that dramatic, lookin over the horizon while reflectin' on the past scene

"Pork and beans" - Weezer
I'mma do the things
That I wanna do
I ain't got a thing
To prove to you
I'll eat my candy
With the pork and beans
Excuse my manners

- I'm 28, and have superman bedsheets.

"Good life" - Kanye West
Is the good life better than the life I live
When I thought that I was gonna go crazy
And now my grandmamma ain't the only girl calling me baby
And if you feeling' me now then put your hands up in the sky
And let me hear you say hey, hey, hey, ooh
I'm good

- Positive thinkin', i has it

Una reflexión sobre el 2008...

"Hey wey, osea que en este año, un día de despertaste y decidiste mandar tu estabilidad económica y emocional, a la chingada ?!"

yup, pretty much... también fue el año que me intoxiqué comiéndome media caja de twinkies.

viernes, 2 de enero de 2009

Note to self from when i was 25- 28, to myself at age 45-50 during my "mid-life crisis"

Dear me,
If i'm reading this, then I made it a couple of more years and we didn't get to see the apocalypse just yet, bummer, we where looking forward to it, anyways, this is a mental note, with different stuff and rules, things I said i would never do, 'cause its just plain wrong, and since i'm in my "mid-life crisis" i probably forgots some of them...this is for your own good...

So, in no particular order:

- I will not dye my hair to hide grey hair, "just for men" ? NO! , age with dignity dude.

- No earings, dude, you didn't do it in highschool or college, 'cause you just didn't feel like it... earings shout "mid-life crisiisssssss" (tattoos are ok)

- No new sports cars, after 35, you look ridiculous, dude, if you have money for a decent car, buy a good "succesful business guy car"... i suggest a good SUV, BWM (4 doors), those new volvos are pretty nice, not a lincoln or a cadillac, those are waaay to tacky... "classic sports cars" for the weekend are cool, but they're just for fun...('57 chevy bel air, 64 mustang, '69 charger) like big toys, you can buy them 'cause YOU like them, not to pick up 20 year olds....

- Apply a maximum of 10 years on girls, you filthy old bastard, remember how silly it sounded... "she likes me for myself, not my brand new car or money", perv, specially if your married... then don't even think about it.

- And don't get me started on doing sports to impress chicks, and feeling "young at heart".

- Comic con...is OK, we've learned to accept our destiny... those shirts with full-over prints, not OK

ON KIDS: if for some strange reason, nature decides you should reproduce... remember the things you said about the following subjects:

- Read to them, we don't like children that much, much less dumb kids.

- Earings, fashion sense, hair color.... do whatever the hell you want, as long as it doesnt get you kicked out of school, and by the way, finish college, on anything, seaweed if you want, after that, you can do whatever you want, join the circus, but get that degree.

- "I want a tattoo", discuss the longetivity of a tattoo, consecuences... and suggest he/she wait for 6 months, 'cause sometimes the meanin' of the tatoo looses force.... as long as it isnt a twitty bird, or bart simpson, or the boyfriends/girlfriend name, it aint the end of the world.

-"Dad, I'm Gay" ... ok, it's...ok, as long as your one of those really clean, rich gay guys, who do the men stuff, not those flaming queer guys... and even so, if it's one of those flaming dancin' queer guys... you'd better be bigger than Liberacce, ... meaning...just do things right.

-Teach them "not to be assholes", thats your job.

January 2009